To Freeze or Not to Freeze...

To freeze or not to freeze

Recently, four people independently from each other asked me if I froze my eggs within the span of just over 4 weeks. And so after the fourth person, I wondered maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Was it trying to tell me to freeze my eggs? Is there an ancestor trying to come through? Was the universe trying to tell me to buy time because my fertility age cannot?

Baby fantasy under unusual circumstances

I began to fantasize about different life scenarios if I froze my eggs. It's possible that I was still healing from Juju's death and looking for a way to cope by filling a void with the possibility of a future I never before imagined. Freezing my eggs would buy me time to figure out if I'd ever want to become a parent much later down the road. I toyed with the idea under very specific circumstances—in fantasy land, I'd use a surrogate. I would also be the dad within a village with my two older sisters who could also be the dads, they also never became mothers. We would raise a witch in a coven together. I could romanticize to meet someone later in my life who wouldn't mind that I want to be the dad or that I would use a surrogate. I've always said I would rather be a dad within this patriarchy, and three is better than two if my sisters were on board. I would joke for years that in a past life I must have been a gay man, which is why I like hunky men, and probably why today, I find myself in a female body who would consider a surrogate, because if I think about it long enough, having a baby inside me just doesn't sit right. Breeder kink is real, but that doesn't mean I actually want a baby inside me. Also do people know about the hormonal changes that alter the grey matter in the brain? 94% of neural pathways in the grey matter of a mother's brain are altered, dealing with self-perception and social cues. It's how mothers have to adapt to raising a baby for their survival. I don't want my brain to change. Some brain changes are permanent, and there are so many changes beyond the brain.

I have a lot of egg follicles for my age.

Curious, I scheduled an appointment with a top rated fertility clinic. At 42 and a half, I didn't actually know if I had any eggs. I made my ultrasound appointment, and lo and behold, the whole clinic was excited for me, that I had a larger than normal supply of follicles considering my age. I'm still fertile. One lady told me her 36 year old daughter had less than me. I didn't know what to feel but I felt proud that I must be taking relatively good care of myself in my aging body. I also thought of my grandma and my mom's sister who both had a child in their 40s conceived naturally. Several of the ladies commented that I don't look my age, which I attribute to self care practices while not having any surgical procedures or injections ever done (yet, haha I'm not opposed to it, though I would prefer to be minimally invasive for as long as possible). I know for me, there is definitely a correlation between my exterior and interior health, but I digress.

So I have eggs, now what?

So knowing I have eggs that could result in a viable pregnancy put me in the position of, holy shit, I really do have the possibility of leaving this door open if I wanted to walk through it. At first I was excited for the potential to buy time, I fell into this high of, wow, something I never thought could happen, could actually happen. I even got ambitious that I could do two rounds just to ensure it could happen with even more eggs retrieved. It would be a 17k per round investment I was willing to make as an emotional response to the excitement of having the option—of having a sense of control over my fertility, which for all women, has a transmutation period. I can press pause, give myself a 10 year deadline to keep the door open and can decide later to close it. Eight hours after my appointment, I decompressed, my logic felt stronger than my idealized fantasy to have a child. Buying time at first seemed very appealing—it was a power move, a power play. But what time am I actually buying? Time to know myself more? Truth be told, I know myself. Did I want more time to figure out if I'm fit to parent? No, believe it or not, many childfree people think more deliberately about the long term impacts of having children than those that end up having children—I know what it takes to be a great parent, I would have to fundamentally change the way I think and navigate life to do a decent job, it is selfless work. So, turns out I don't need more time to figure it out. I'd rather chase my dreams than chase my unborn child.

Go big or go home.

To some degree, I always do important things full send. All or nothing. I don't plan for uncertainty or fantasy. I plan and execute for certainty—for the most efficient use of our most precious resource, time. To challenge the default life-path requires a lot of self awareness and reflection, a hard look in the mirror. Saying no to freezing my eggs was not about saying no to the egg retrieval process or saying no to using surrogacy, it was saying no to a baby fantasy, and reconfirming the reality that I do not want to bring a baby into this world. My reflections have not changed since my first and only abortion when I was 26. Yes, I have been challenged a few times, and those encounters held up the mirror, again. It's good to check yourself to know yourself. Can you face it? Do you recognize the reflection you perceive? Luckily, I do, and I know which path to take.

Be selfish to live the life you want.

I know several women who are single moms by choice because they happened to never meet the right person on their timeline to have a baby with. I think it's admirable. Because they chose their path and stopped waiting for uncertainty. Having a baby is a lifetime commitment and they chose to be 100% on board to do it alone—this could be the case even if that's not how it started, people grow apart with irreconcilable differences, people die, widows are made. I do not want to do it alone, especially not in this realm. The universe wanted me to test the options, reevaluate, let go, grieve whatever needs grieving, and make peace with it. I am reminded—you know who you are, even better now. Moving forward with even more clarity and focus, closing this door to egg freezing acts as a culling measure from anyone who dreams of having a kid (impossibly with me).

In defense of the childfree

I know for most humans on this planet, their purpose is tied to becoming a biological parent, to continue their "legacy" as a standard milestone, to continue the human species and consciousness, to grow and reflect on their own life through raising a child of their likeness, to heal their inner child wounds, or be doomed to repeat them. But it's not everyone's purpose, and it does not make their lives less purposeful, less valuable or less interesting than those who do have children. Each to their own journey of the soul.

Many people assume something went wrong with women who choose not to bear children, or that "something must have happened", yes, someone said that to me when I told them my two sisters also chose not to have children in this lifetime. A bit misogynist. I ask plainly, do we not have purpose or fulfillment by raising our own consciousness without bringing another one in it? I can see the beauty in wanting to raise something, teach something that you created and to fully embody nature's capacity to birth. But not everyone has to partake. I also see the beauty in teaching ourselves on our own, with ultimate freedom to love yourself more, without the worry of any risk of possible harm done to your unborn child on this earth realm. The lifelong, extremely complex responsibility of bringing an unawakened soul to gamble in this realm is one of the largest mirrors you'll ever have to face. Will they be resilient enough? Will they ever wake up to truly understand/know themselves and learn to live with authenticity to find peace while navigating this earth realm? It's a paradox, oftentimes, I can see suffering as the catalyst for growth. It's so bittersweet—you can spend an entire lifetime searching for your soul only to find it through death in its wake. (I believe we might remember all our past lives in the death realm).

The answer is, not to freeze.

The universe was indeed trying to tell me something. In searching for its wisdom, I received important data. I know myself, I am enough, I am whole. That I still have my fertility and eggs, and can grieve to let them go when they transmute, all while continuing to choose to not make a human. I embrace the reality that I will never experience biological motherhood by choice.

My purpose is to birth art, continue to learn to know thyself, to make/play music, and be the most healthy, mentally alive, best auntie I can be to those humans and fur babies who may come to find me.

Egg follicle 2D ultrasound