Almost Dead at 27

According the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the answer to the universe is 42. I turn 42 tomorrow and while I don't know the answer yet, I definitely feel more confident about what my life is about after spending more time here in this realm called Earth. One thing is for sure death is imminent.

A Karmic Debt to Pay

When I was 24, I decided to tattoo at my first tattoo convention, Seattle Tattoo Expo in 2008. There I would meet someone that would change the course of my life for the following 6.5 years. And perhaps the things I learned will continue to change me. I can now look back in full remission, that my near death experience was to school me, to make lifelong healthy habits. And it was my innate character that would allow me to create a discipline in my health journey. It was about learning how to listen from within, to take care of myself, but first not before completely destroying myself, spiritually and physically. As they say, you may not fully understand your boundaries without testing your limits. I often wonder if my struggle was a karmic debt I had to endure in order to quantum leap into a possibility that would then allow me ultimate freedom, creativity, and joy.

Breaking my Body, Ego, and Bank

At the tattoo convention, the person I met was my future my ex-husband. A person so unsafe to me that within 2 years, I contained so much stress, it manifested as Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis, aka FSGS. Western medicine really likes to diagnose diseases, and the scarring shown in my kidney biopsy identified markers for this kidney disease. Truth be told, I fought for my life, the nurses and doctors all assumed either I was pregnant (actually holding a water baby), or that I had hepatitis C (both came out negative). In a 24 hr collection of urine, my kidneys spilled 41 grams of (albumin) protein, that's the amount of protein of a small sized chicken. My albumin levels were dangerously low, zero point something; they wouldn't tell me exact fraction of a unit because I was on the brink of death and organs cannot function without albumin in the blood. It was acute kidney failure. I had heart monitors and albumin infusions every 30 minutes for 1 week straight. They hit me with a round of 500ml IV Solumedrol, I've never felt so aggressively high in my life. My hospital room was a neutropenic room, a bubble girl, where my family/friends would have to gown up and wear masks and gloves to visit me. At one point, I remember making my way to the bathroom, looking in the mirror, and the reflection I saw looking back at me was a dying, decaying, slightly yellow and green (zombie of a human). I couldn't recognize myself. That very night I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but I was fated to live.

I was given a prognosis, I would eventually need dialysis within 5 years. My nephrologist wrote on the white board, "10" and she said "this is where your kidney function is at, it is advisable to start asking your sisters if they are a kidney match for you". I remember feeling like "this can't be happening", but I knew all I could actually do was focus on surviving the next day. I was wheeled out of the hospital, I don't remember the ride home, and the next moments would be a lot of deep sleep. I don't even know how long I slept for, maybe 2 weeks straight, not quite sure if I even ate any food, or how I went to the bathroom. I remember thinking my mom must be so scared. When I looked in the mirror back home, I had so much loose stomach skin like I just lost a 45lb water baby (which I did). In the hospital I weighed in at 132 lbs, and after my hospital treatment of 80mg IV Lasix every few hours, I weighed 88lbs, a meatbag of loose skin and bones. I jokingly tell people, I know exactly what I will look like as a 90 year old lady on the brink of death.

There were a lot of baby steps needed to get better. I had to relearn how to walk, since my ankles and legs were so swollen with water before my hospital treatments, I had muscle atrophy from not walking for months. I learned that crawling was a good way to relearn how to walk, so I started there. I began to walk and raise my arms at the same time. I didn't have Juju with me for months because I couldn't keep up with her. I remember when I eventually could walk, I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. I quickly realized I couldn't push the clutch down because my legs were so weak. It took several weeks to gain enough strength to learn to drive a stick shift, but that was one of my indicators of progress, being able to push the clutch down. I stayed with my mom in Sacramento while she went to work and took care of me. My (future ex) husband was in Portland quickly ruining our (especially mine) finances.

I had a medically induced eating disorder, where I would count every mg of protein and salt intake. I lost a ton of hair, I wore hats for 1.5 years. I would tell people I looked like the crypt keeper from the twilight zone. My insides struggled with daily 80mg of prednisone, and 3000mg of cellcept, which destroyed my guts. I had to get a colonoscopy when I was 28 to figure out why my stool had blood in it, and it was due to meds tearing up my interstinal lining. I ended up on trial meds that I had to inject subcutaneously into myself, ACTHAR, $10,000 bottle injections every 3 days, luckily I didn't have to pay for thanks for Obamacare. It didn't work, and I was back on prednisone. I became steroid dependent which means anytime they would try to taper me off, my numbers would jump and I would come out of partial remission. My face was also so puffed up and I could still barely recognize myself. When I was hospitalized for the second time and didn't die, I was transferred to care with UCSF because the "community hospitals" in Sacramento exhausted all medical treatments offered. Note to self, always get serious care in a big city at a research hospital if you can.

Divorce Now, Thank Yourself Later

I often wonder why it took me so long to divorce. Could it have been my young, naive brain? or was I fated this Karmic debt? Once I hit rock bottom, it's true what they say, there is nowhere else to go but up. I felt like my body betrayed me, but it was actually just telling me exactly what needed to be done. Get rid of him. I lost all my savings from medical debt and from a failed business investment for my husband. I had nothing more to lose. I found strength in my repulsion of him and my own embarrassment for keeping him. It was my fate to allow it to run its course into the ground. Am I able to see through the bullshit now? Yes, absolutely, and its wisdom is kept within me. I decided to kick him out for good and divorce him. It wasn't until I initiated a divorce that I got physically better. My nervous system was finally free from the inflammation caused by not respecting my own "will spirit", which in traditional Chinese medicine, is the kidney spirit. My body was trying to tell me to dump his ass for years and I did not listen.

I began to listen, and my body began to listen back.

The day before he moved out in September 2015, I rolled the coins of the I Ching. The I Ching, or the Book of Changes, is an ancient divination tool from China, and I rolled 6 consecutive times, three coins on head. I'd never rolled the I Ching before. My reading brought me to the first page of the I Ching. It is the most auspicious page in the book: Creative Power. I did not know it yet, but it turned out to be correct in every way. My creativity eventually brought me to unimaginable peace and financial freedom. After our divorce, I regained my self confidence back immediately, but my progression (I like to call it alchemization) towards full remission would continue for years after the divorce. I got Rituximab monoclonal antibody infusions every 4 months for the first 3 infusions, and then every 6 months for the last 3. My renal function panel and urinalysis labs went from weekly, to monthly, to every three months, every 6 months, to now once a year. When doctors have asked me what I think helped the most in my complete recovery, I've stated "cardio, maybe matcha, but definitely my divorce". They always laughed, but I was so serious.

I still have my native kidneys with GFR functioning above 90%. I can look back now and truly wonder if I am in the same body. I can say, no matter how broken you feel, you can be whole again. I can say, I am healed. I am able to look back at the experience outside of myself, as a lesson learned. The trauma has been transmuted from bitterness to strength. Deep healing is a slow, alchemizing, intentional process that includes the art of letting go, and mindfulness. Everyday I was mindful of ridding the "illness" that was killing me slowly, the illness of not listening from within. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I knew all along that something was deeply wrong. Acknowledging your wisdom is the first step to taking action. I began to love myself, I created health rituals and found my chi flowstate, I began to listen to the wisdom of my ancestors (which is available to us if we practice listening). Everyday I continue to choose my peace and health. Health is number one.

The key take away: if you find yourself with a life threatening autoimmune disorder (or simply feeling completely out of balance and not at peace) when you once had robust health and confidence, and your symptoms began to manifest during a failing/questionable partnership, please just divorce now and thank yourself later. Listen to yourself, acknowledge yourself. One of my greatest accomplishments in life is my willful divorce, thank the heavens, it was the catalyst to be free and healthy. A new motto to follow to possibly quantum leap and save yourself some time, just "dump his ass" and start from there.

Left BEFORE: Deep in Pharma treatments 2017, then 2022 in full remission.

Photo Taken in 2012, between two hospitalizations deep in big pharma treatments